Tag Archives: college

Recurring Dreams

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Over the years I keep having the same recurring dreams. And these dreams aren’t very good ones, either.

The dream that I’ve consistently had my entire life is thus: I’m being chased. Something, and I don’t know what or who, is chasing me and I can’t get away from it. Sometimes I’m in the house I grew up in, running from room to room, rooftop, basement, in and out of doors and windows. Sometimes I’m outside, and it could be the forest or a town I’ve lived in from my past. No matter what I do, no matter what I try, whether on foot or in a car or flying somehow, I just can’t get away. I don’t know what it is, but I do know that it is bad, and I cannot let it catch me, so I have to keep running away trying to escape.

I got out of the Navy in January 1995. And since then I often have the dream that I’m back in the Navy. I’m back on the ship that I hated so much, trapped, unhappy, full of angst. Always in this dream I’m serving a life sentence, never to be discharged, forever serving aboard the USS Antietam. I can smell so vividly the JP5 fuel, and the PVC decks, and horrible BO of the dirtbag sailors in engineering. All the people that I hated are there, still making me miserable, taunting me, physically assaulting me, but I can’t speak and my punches are in slow motion and ineffective.

Ten years ago I graduated from college, in May 2004, from Chico State. And in my dream I’m back in college. It’s my last semester. It’s the final day of school. And I have to go take a final for a class, one that I obviously need to graduate, and I have not been to this class in weeks. I’m completely unprepared. I’m panicking. I have to take the final for this class and I know I’m going to fail, and not graduate.

And then I wake up from these dreams. I’m usually breathing heavily, sometimes in a cold sweat, and feeling…dread. Like something from my past is unresolved. I don’t know.

I don’t know why I keep having these dreams. But I do know that I wish they would stop.

Should old acquaintance be forgot…

Happy New Year!

So this time I’m going to do a little something different. Instead of my normal resolutions to eat less, eat healthier, and excercise more–my resolution this year is to do a better job of connecting, reconnecting, and keeping in touch with old friends.

I can think of any time in my life and tell you who my friends were. But my life is e’er changing, and my friends come and go. Sadly.

People are constantly moving in different directions as their lives progress. Sometimes we grow apart from each other. This hard fact of my life is a lesson I’ve had to learn over and over again. It makes me sad. I miss my friends.

And so, to my long lost friends, you’re going to hear from me this year. You may even find me on your doorstep on evening.

Monica: we were so close for so many years. You always made the effort, you always called or sent me postcards from Yosemite. And I was a bad friend, I never wrote you once. Please forgive me.

Brian Calhoun: brother… we were so close once. Why haven’t I called in you in over five years?

AJ: I feel awful for never having visited you in your new home in Utah. You’ve had two children since I last saw you. I have no excuse.

Danny Boy: you moved back to New England, and now you’re back in SoCal? Why haven’t I been down to visit? I suck. We had a brief e-mail exchange last year–expect me to pick that back up.

My SoCal TKE brothers: Spicoli, Battag… I’m sorry guys.

Dahi: we were doing pretty good there for awhile, reconnecting and keeping in touch. Your website went down and you had a child and I graduated from college… and I have no excuse. I’m sorry.

Brian Morrison: what happened? How did this happen? We were two peas in a pod in high school. And now I haven’t talked to you in years, let alone seen you. This year that will change.

Janden B. Sullivan: you were the closest thing I had to a brother when I lived in Chico. Expect to see me this year.

And to my current friends:

Dave: I will not let this happen to us. An ocean seperates us now, physically, but not in spirit. You’ve been one of my best friends since we were 13 years old. I don’t want to wake up one day, 20 years from now, and wonder what ever happened to you. I won’t let that happen.

Da Son: don’t fucking disappear on me, dude. I know you’ve got your eye on Hawaii. You can go, but you won’t shake me so easily.

James: working with you over the last year has been great. So many times I’ve stopped by your desk just to chat, and you’re always there when I need a friend. I won’t be in Concord much longer, but I’ll make sure we stay connected.

And to all those I’ve failed to mention here:

I’m sorry. I’ve been a bad friend. I’ll make an effort this year.

… for Auld Lang Syne.