Fuck gluten

WARNING: gross, disgusting, graphic gastrointestinal descriptions ahead

Bloating, burping, farting, gas pains, abdominal pains, chronic constipation and diarrhea, nausea, occasional vomiting, acid reflux, heartburn, upset stomach, general GI distress and discomfort.

Perhaps these things sound familiar to you. I lived with these symptoms for years. I could never figure out what its cause may be (until now).

I complained to my doctors. They ordered some tests. Blood work, urinalysis, fecal analysis, barium enema radiology, colonoscopy, endoscopy. Lab work always came back negative–no infections, bacteria or virus. My endoscopy and colonoscopy were normal, other than irritation and inflammation of my GI tract. There was nothing wrong with me, they said.

Then what is causing all these horrible symptoms?

My doctors would then prescribe some drugs. “This visit is over. Next patient please.” But what about the cause? Dammit, what is fucking causing these symptoms? “Shut up, take your medicine. Eat a healthy diet, and plenty of heart-healthy whole grains.”

The nausea was the worst. I could live with all the other unpleasant symptoms. Feeling like you were going to vomit all the time was horrible. It was maddening. The quality of my life was suffering. I felt nauseous several times a day, just about every day.

God dammit what the fuck is wrong with me?

Last year, as my weight gain continued, my GI symptoms got worse. It got to the point where my belly was so bloated that my gut was pushing up against my diaphragm (the muscle between your gut and lungs). This in turn made it hard to breathe. It also had the unpleasant effect of smushing my heart.

It was late last year when my heart problems began. My heart would flutter, and flip flop in my chest. It was scary. I felt like I was having a heart attack. I went to the hospital. They did tests. No, I didn’t have a heart attack. My heart was healthy and my arteries were fine. They couldn’t find anything wrong with me. OK, so why do I feel this way? What is causing this? How do I make it stop? “Get plenty of exercise and eat a healthy diet and lots of heart-healthy whole grains” they said.

Sigh. I just want to feel normal again. I want to be healthy again.

My previous posts have discussed my recent dietary changes and resulting weight loss. One of the first things I did back in January was eliminate heart-healthy whole grains from my diet.

Grains. Wheat, oats, barley, etc. “Heart healthy whole grains.” I stopped eating all cereals, granolas, breads, pastas, pizza, pies, crusts, breaded foods, muffins, cakes–anything made with wheat or flour.

After the first week I started to feel a little better–OK, this is good. After a few weeks I felt great–yay. And now, five months later, I feel better than I’ve felt in the last 10 years–fuck grains.

My GI distress is gone. I haven’t felt nausea in months. My burping and farting and gas and bloating are gone. My heartburn and gastric reflux are gone. All my unpleasant digestive issues have been resolved.

Gluten. It was gluten. The gluten that is found in grains–particularly those heart-healthy whole grains.

I first heard about gluten last year, but didn’t know what it was. This year I discovered that it is something found in grains that causes gastric distress. For some people, those with celiac’s disease, gluten can kill them. In others, like myself, gluten causes all the above symptoms I’ve described.

I am gluten intolerant, not a celiac. When I eat grains my gut rebels, but it doesn’t kill me (sometimes it sure feels like it might).

So I’m off the grains now. My quality of life has markedly improved. I don’t even miss bread or pasta. I make pizza without the crust and I eat hamburgers without the bun (wrapped in lettuce). I still get to eat great food, like grass-fed beef and pastured bacon and organic chicken with the skin!

Whenever I feel tempted to eat a slice of pizza or a bite of lasagna I remember laying on the doctor’s table with tubes coming out of my ass or shoved down my throat. I remember the way I used to feel. I remember the sleepless nights spent in and out of the bathroom. I remember the vomiting and being laid out on the floor, wondering if I was going to die.

No. I’m not going to eat grains ever again. Not if I can help it. So please don’t ask me to eat a bite of the cake you just baked–it will make me sick.

Maybe you are gluten intolerant also. If my symptoms sound familiar, and your doctors can’t find anything wrong with you, try giving up grains. Google ‘gluten’. Maybe, just maybe, your doctor has heard of it.

It worked for me.

Metallica vs. Led Zeppelin

I was driving to work this morning, listening to 98.5 FM radio. In the Central Valley, where I live, that station plays mostly metal. This morning they were playing some Metallica.

As I got near the top of the Altamont Pass the Bay Area’s 98.5 FM radio station started to interfere with the signal. They play mostly classic rock. This morning they were playing Led Zeppelin.

So there I was, driving up and over the Altamont Pass, with Metallica and Led Zeppelin fighting each other. The signal cutting back and forth. Each band trading riffs. I like both bands so I didn’t mind.

I thought about my own life, and about the old and the older, about the two different areas of California, how these two are constantly fighting each other, pushing and pulling each other in different directions.

Much like my own life. Constantly being pushed and pulled in different directions.

Phenomenal Cosmic Power

Four months ago my hunger and energy levels fluctuated like a roller coaster throughout the day. I woke up, starving and groggy every morning. My day was filled with sugar and caffeine drinks to prop myself up, and alcohol to bring me back down at night.

Every morning when I woke up the first word out of my mouth was, “Fuck.” As in, “Fuck, I feel like shit.” Or, “Fuck, I have to get up.” This was followed by an intense and urgent need to eat immediately, even before taking my morning piss.

When I was trying to eat “healthy” I’d have a huge bowl of sugary oatmeal, a banana, and a large orange juice. I’d congratulate myself for eating a “heart healthy” meal. I’d eat so much that I’d be almost uncomfortably full.

And then two hours later I’d be hungry again.

What. The. FUCK!?

When I went to work I’d bring a huge bag of food to get me through the day. Because I’d be hungry every two or three hours I needed lots of snacks. Chips, sandwiches, fruit, yogurt, candy bars, stuff like that.

My snacks would barely get me to lunchtime. Usually I went to Subway for lunch. Large sandwich, chips, large soda. Again, I’d eat so much that I’d almost be uncomftably full. And then I’d be starving again a few hours later at the end of my shift. By this time most of my food was gone and I’d eat a piece of fruit, which would barely get me home.

Why was my hunger so broken? Why was I so hungry all the time?

When I went on road trips it required a significant amount of food planning. I’d have to bring lots of snacks with me. The ice chest had to be within easy reach in the back seat. Camping trips and vacations would be filled with meal preparations and eating. Fuck, why do I need to eat all the time?

I needed sugary caffeine drinks to get me through the day. My favorites were Monster energy drinks, Coke and Mountain Dew, and Starbucks fraps and mochas. When I was trying to be “healthy” I’d drink fruit “juice” (loaded with HFCS, of course). I’d feel a rush after slamming a Monster. I’d be up, way up–for an hour or so. And then I would crash hard. And I’d need another sugary drink to prop myself back up.

And at night I was so wired from all the sugar and caffeine I couldn’t fall asleep. Some nights I’d try to drink enough alcohol to bring myself back down, and some nights it would work. But mostly I was an insomniac. Regular readers of this blog know that I’ve always had problems sleeping. Now we know why.

I wasn’t much of a sweets eater or craver. But I loved sugary drinks. I used to wake up several times in the middle of the night, head straight to the fridge, and slam some cranberry or apple juice. Rarely did I eat ice cream or cake. Sugarwater was drunk all day every day, however.

My energy levels spiked and crashed several times a day, all day, every day. I was miserable.

And then I found the low carb lifestyle.

I got off the sugar. I completely eliminated all forms of sugar from my diet. I started reading labels. I paid particular attention to the ingredients. I was shocked at the level of sugar in our food supply.

Almost all processed foods are loaded with some form of sugar.

In the supermarket aisle one day, I was reading the label of a can of diced tomatoes, onions, and bell peppers. It had high fructose corn syrup. Really? Why? I started reading the labels of all the foods on that aisle. Pickles, olives, ketchup, mustard, spaghetti sauce, spinach, rice, pasta… almost everything in a can, box, or wrapped in plastic had sugar in it (usually HFCS). Why? I was angry.

I stopped buying food that came in a box, can, or plastic wrapper.

These days when I go to the supermarket I go to the produce section, then the meat section, then I check out. Everything else is crap. And really, the other sections aren’t really food.

And these days I feel fanfuckingtastic.

My energy levels are level and stable throughout the day. I don’t need sugary caffeine drinks to prop myself up any more. And I night I fall asleep quickly and without the need for alcohol. I sleep soundly throughout the night. I don’t wake up several times needing a sugar fix any more. And in the morning I feel great.

I don’t eat breakfast any more. I’m just not hungry. I’ve learned to listen to my body, and to eat when hungry–stop when full. I eat my first meal of the day in the early afternoon. And then I don’t eat until 9pm-ish.

I don’t get ravenously hungry any more. And if I need to, I know I can skip a meal or two and be fine. Two or three times a month I’ll fast for 24 hours and still have plenty of energy the whole time.

This is the most significant thing that has ever happened to my health.