I’ve been walking around in a weird sort of funk the past couple days. I feel different. Things that should be old and familiar look foreign to me now. It’s not a happy excited feeling. It’s a melancholy on-the-verge-of-tears feeling. I don’t know how else to explain it.

After the graduation ceremony on Sunday I came back to my little studio apartment. I only had a few minutes to drop some stuff off before heading out the door for the family BBQ at Becky’s house. I placed my graduation stuff—cap, tassel, stole, program—on the counter and hurried back out the door.

I haven’t touched the stuff since, I’m afraid to. I’m afraid that somehow, maybe if I do touch it, it won’t be real, like it will POOF! turn to dust. Like this whole graduation thing was just a hallucination. I’m afraid if I move my effects it will trigger a range of emotions and thoughts I’m not yet ready to deal with. And so I try to think about something else, and look away.

Yesterday afternoon I woke up at 2:30pm, having slept for close to 18 hours. I was emotionally and physically exhausted. I got cleaned up and walked downtown to see what was going on. As I walked past all the fraternity and sorority houses I saw countless pickups and Uhauls packed to the gills, moving people out of town. The parties were over. The bars were empty. Nobody was outside on their porch drinking beer. Nobody was tanning on their lawn. Nobody was playing frisbee in the streets. Chico was a ghost town. When I got downtown the scene was repeated. This place has emptied out.

I don’t know why it’s such a shock to me. I’ve spent the last two summers in Chico. I know everybody leaves right after final exams. It never bothered me before; in fact I looked forward to it. I liked the nice, quiet summers where I could hang out with the locals and the students who loved Chico as much as I do and stayed year round.

But it made me sad. I shouldn’t be so sad, you know? I should be overjoyed, excited. I just graduated from college! Considering my history this is a monumental achievement. So why do I feel this way?

I’m sad for all the friends that I’m leaving behind. There are sooo many people that I know I’ll never see or talk to again. I’m sad for leaving this special place. I have a lot of great memories of Chico; ones that I’ll treasure forever.

There’s also an element of the unknown that’s bothering me. I’m stuck in limbo right now. I really want this railroad job; I’m ready to start today. But they won’t be calling me until October. So I’ve got to sit around for the next four months, waiting.

I need to get out of this town. I keep telling myself, “You can’t stay in Chico. You can’t stay in Chico.” I don’t want to get stuck here. I can’t keep hanging out with these kids. I’m 32 years old, not 22. I need to be around people my own age. I also know there is no progress to be made for me here. If I stay I’ll end up living in studios and making crappy wages the rest of my life. There is no future for me in Chico.

So I guess it’s that realization that makes me so sad. Chico is a great town and a wonderful place. I’ve had more fun here that I have had in years. I’ve made some great friends and had some awesome experiences. But I can’t stay; I have to leave.

And so that’s it. That’s all I have to say.

I guess it hasn’t hit me yet. I’m sort of in a state of shock over this whole graduating thing. I remember way back in time, to other significant count down events in my life, to high school graduation and getting out of the Navy. It takes awhile to sink in.

I won’t be emotional tomorrow, I won’t cry, I won’t whoop and holler. I’ll just smile and do what I have to do. Then one day, a couple weeks later probably, it will hit me–and I’ll break down. Hopefully it won’t be in public.

Graduating from high school was a strange experience. The event was overshadowed by my breakup with Joy, which dominated my emotions for a good year. I should have been excited about moving on the next phase in my life, but instead I was all gloomy and sad.

However I knew what I didn’t want to do. I didn’t want to go to college. I was perfectly happy working at the pizza joint, surfing with my friends, and partying. I had no plans for the future and didn’t care. Eventually my friends all disappeared and I got restless. I joined the Navy.

Getting out of the Navy was emotional overload. This was by far the most traumatic experience of my life. I have never felt so trapped in life (except maybe the last year or so of my relationship with Cindy). When I finally got out of the Navy in January 1995 I was already in school. I had a plan, I was doing what I was wanting to do for several years–get an education. It was a rapid transition from living in Hell to being in Heaven. I was so busy with college and waiting tables and a new girlfriend and rushing a fraternity and a new social life and tons of new friends–I didn’t have time to be all philosophical or introspective about the new chapter in the book of Tom Bissell.

Now I’m done with college. I want so badly to get to work. I don’t want to be stuck with a crappy job and no money for the rest of my life. I’d like to retire one day in comfort, and spend time with my friends. I’m very envious of my father–he regularly spends time with his brother and best friends. They take trips to Colorado and Hawaii and South Lake Tahoe and Yosemite all the time. My father has enough power and money to do whatever he wants, whenever he wants. I want this. So I need to get to work.

I want this railroad job, but there’s been a slight setback. They extended the application period until September. That means that they accept applications up until the cut off date. Then they process the apps, and start calling people. So I won’t possibly get a call until late September or early October.

That’s a long ways away. So I have to find something to do between now and then. This downtime is going to kill me. I want to get to work NOW. I’m tired of being a poor college student.

I want my new identity. However, there is a problem with this as well (like everything in my life, right?). I’m torn between my two personalities. I’m torn between NorCal and SoCal. I’m torn between Tom Bissell the beach bum and Tom Bissell the trout bum. I don’t know what to do.

Compounding the problem is the situation with the railroad. They are hiring ALL over California. Long Beach, Los Angeles, San Diego, Roseville, Portola, Dunsmuir, San Luis Obispo. And nearby locations of Las Vegas(!!!), Reno, and Yuma. If they called me once before, they’ll call me again, right? So now I need to decide where I most want to work.

Well fuck it. I’m sure I’ll work things out. Right now, it’s party time. I know I’ll get by, somehow. I always do.

I was having a conversation with my much younger friend today. We’re both graduating this semester, and moving away from Chico.

“What are you doing after you graduate?” he asked me.

“I’m going to work for Union Pacific Railroad.” I said with a grin.

“You need a college degree for that?”

“Nope.”

“Don’t you want to do something with your degree?”

I thought for a moment.

“Nope.”

He looked perplexed. I continued.

“You know what I can do with my college degree? I can sit in stop-and-go traffic for 90 minutes on my way to work in the morning. I can go to the same building, the same job, the same cubicle farm, the same desk, the same computer, the same meetings and all that shit day in, day out, every day. I can work late because they really need me to, I can work Saturdays because they are really short handed, and I can come in early because extra work needs to be done. At the end of the day I can drive home for 90 minutes in stop-and-go traffic, get a few hours of free time, and go to bed. When I wake up, I get to do it all over again. After a couple of years they can lay me off because my job is being shipped overseas, so the CEO can get a big phat bonus. That’s what I can do with my college degree.”

He looked at me, obviously thinking about what I just said. He turned his gaze to the ground, and stayed there for a bit. When he lifted his head he turned to me and simply said:

“Yeah. Me too.”

Yeah.

I know what I can do with my college degree. I just choose not to “use” it.