Category Archives: Mom

My friend, my coach, my cheerleader, my biggest fan, my champion, my counselor, my everything. I miss you, mom.

Snippy

Today was a bad day for me.

Everything and everyone irriated me. I couldn’t help it. No matter what I did I could not improve my mood.

My sisters are over at the house tonight with the kids and dogs, and all I wanted to do was get out of the room.

Nothing against them, not at all. I just didn’t want to be around people. I snapped at my niece, and then I knew it was time to leave the house for awhile.

I spent a couple hours driving around, just wandering with no direction or plans. I found myself driving past Eden hospital, the place where I was born, the place where my sisters were born too–and also the place where my mom died.

As I drove past the hospital I kept looking up to that top floor, the neurology wing, the last place I saw my mom. It was… surreal.

Sigh.

I wandered for a bit longer and finally made it home. Not happy at all to be there, but with nowhere else to go.

Feeling confused

My mind has been playing tricks on me.

It’s not allowing me to think about my mom. I find that I’ll be doing something and the thought of her pops into my head, and immediately I think of something else.

I haven’t been sad, I haven’t been happy, I just… am.

My mind won’t allow me to feel the grief. I’m starting to worry. I’m not dealing with this, it’s like I’m just pretending it never happened.

But I’m not in denial. I know my mother is dead. It’s like my brain is in self-presevervation mode right now. The pain and the sadness and tremendous sense of loss that I felt in the week after her death seem to have ended right after her funeral.

This can’t be normal. Shouldn’t I be depressed? Shouldn’t I be crying every moment I’m awake?

And there’s something else, something that’s even more worrisome. My brain is trying to trick myself into thinking, “Oh, you weren’t that close to your mom. She didn’t mean as much to you as you thought she did.” And I find myself forgetting details, forgetting memories.

Will there come a time when I can’t remember anything about my mom? Will there come a time when all the feelings I’ve been burying will come to the surface and cripple me?

I’m starting to feel guilt, for these feelings I haven’t been having.

I’m having trouble completing my thoughts.

I don’t know what to do.

Mom pics

For my mother’s memorial, we wanted to do something special, so we went through all our photos–and asked friends and family to do the same. Together, came up with over a hundred of the best pics we could find chronicling my mother’s life.

Click here to see the pics.