Yesterday I woke up around noon, and went upstairs for my customary cup of coffee. My mom was in the kitchen, and said to me that Kari (a friend of the family) was in Maui recently on vacation. OK, that’s not unusual. And?

Turns out that Kari and her husband stopped in at Cheesburger In Paradise on Maui and saw someone that looked familiar. This person looked familiar to Kari as well. They talk, put 2 and 2 together, and come to find out that they do indeed know each other.

It was Cindy, my ex. Cindy, my last girlfriend. That gal from 5 years ago. The girl I dated for over four years, lived with, loved, and everything.

Cindy is married, living in Maui, and working at said establishment. Well I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t surprised. Shocked even. Married?

I said to my mom, “Well good for her, I hope she’s found happiness. I was worried about Cindy for awhile.” And I left it at that. I wish I could have left it at that.

Since that moment I’ve been thinking about Cindy. Married. Why do I keep thinking about this? Cindy was so yesteryear, five years ago, an old and forgotten chapter in the life of Tom Bissell. Why does the fact that she’s now married affect me in any way?

I lay awake in bed last night running through all the possibliities. I felt a bit like Paul Giamatti’s character in Sideways. You know, when he freaks out about his ex getting married. Why should I care about Cindy at all, or what’s happened in her life? I haven’t seen or talked or heard anything about Cindy in a good four years. But now I can’t get her out of my mind.

Moving to Maui and having a job and getting married are all measures of success, I reckon. I admire her for leaving her lifelong home of California to live in paradise. But all that stuff matters not to me, when you remove marriage from the equation. Marriage?

Cindy always told me that she never wanted to be married. She didn’t believe in it. That was always fine with me, I have never had any desire to be married and I still don’t. So why do I care if SHE is married?

Unable to sleep, unable to shake the thoughts from my mind I tried to numb my thoughts with various activities. I tried in vain to think about something else. Why does it still bother me so?

Then today I had an epiphany. I realized something. Cindy wasn’t saying to me that she didn’t ever want to get married. What she was really saying was “I don’t want to marry you.”

I guess. I think. I mean, a lot can happen in five years. My life has changed dramatically since then. She could have met the right guy and changed her mind. Married?

I’m not hurt. I’m not feeling nostalgic. I say I’m happy for her, but am I? It continues to dominate my thoughts. I know I shouldn’t care, that it shouldn’t affect me, but it does. Perhaps a blow to my ego? How foolish to think that she’d carry a torch for me to her grave.

It took a while for me to get over the breakup, five years ago. It wasn’t until a year later that I felt OK again, whole again, an individual, and free. It was another year after that, that I felt fine and stopped thinking about her at all. Three years have passed and I have rarely thought about her. And now I can’t stop thinking about all the things that might have brought her to her current situation.

At first, when mom told me the news, I thought, “Ah hell. This will probably be on my mind for the next couple days. This morning I thought it might be a week or so.” Now I’m not so sure.

How ridiculous this all is. Life sure is a funny thing.