I’ve been walking around in a weird sort of funk the past couple days. I feel different. Things that should be old and familiar look foreign to me now. It’s not a happy excited feeling. It’s a melancholy on-the-verge-of-tears feeling. I don’t know how else to explain it.

After the graduation ceremony on Sunday I came back to my little studio apartment. I only had a few minutes to drop some stuff off before heading out the door for the family BBQ at Becky’s house. I placed my graduation stuff—cap, tassel, stole, program—on the counter and hurried back out the door.

I haven’t touched the stuff since, I’m afraid to. I’m afraid that somehow, maybe if I do touch it, it won’t be real, like it will POOF! turn to dust. Like this whole graduation thing was just a hallucination. I’m afraid if I move my effects it will trigger a range of emotions and thoughts I’m not yet ready to deal with. And so I try to think about something else, and look away.

Yesterday afternoon I woke up at 2:30pm, having slept for close to 18 hours. I was emotionally and physically exhausted. I got cleaned up and walked downtown to see what was going on. As I walked past all the fraternity and sorority houses I saw countless pickups and Uhauls packed to the gills, moving people out of town. The parties were over. The bars were empty. Nobody was outside on their porch drinking beer. Nobody was tanning on their lawn. Nobody was playing frisbee in the streets. Chico was a ghost town. When I got downtown the scene was repeated. This place has emptied out.

I don’t know why it’s such a shock to me. I’ve spent the last two summers in Chico. I know everybody leaves right after final exams. It never bothered me before; in fact I looked forward to it. I liked the nice, quiet summers where I could hang out with the locals and the students who loved Chico as much as I do and stayed year round.

But it made me sad. I shouldn’t be so sad, you know? I should be overjoyed, excited. I just graduated from college! Considering my history this is a monumental achievement. So why do I feel this way?

I’m sad for all the friends that I’m leaving behind. There are sooo many people that I know I’ll never see or talk to again. I’m sad for leaving this special place. I have a lot of great memories of Chico; ones that I’ll treasure forever.

There’s also an element of the unknown that’s bothering me. I’m stuck in limbo right now. I really want this railroad job; I’m ready to start today. But they won’t be calling me until October. So I’ve got to sit around for the next four months, waiting.

I need to get out of this town. I keep telling myself, “You can’t stay in Chico. You can’t stay in Chico.” I don’t want to get stuck here. I can’t keep hanging out with these kids. I’m 32 years old, not 22. I need to be around people my own age. I also know there is no progress to be made for me here. If I stay I’ll end up living in studios and making crappy wages the rest of my life. There is no future for me in Chico.

So I guess it’s that realization that makes me so sad. Chico is a great town and a wonderful place. I’ve had more fun here that I have had in years. I’ve made some great friends and had some awesome experiences. But I can’t stay; I have to leave.

And so that’s it. That’s all I have to say.