I guess it hasn’t hit me yet. I’m sort of in a state of shock over this whole graduating thing. I remember way back in time, to other significant count down events in my life, to high school graduation and getting out of the Navy. It takes awhile to sink in.

I won’t be emotional tomorrow, I won’t cry, I won’t whoop and holler. I’ll just smile and do what I have to do. Then one day, a couple weeks later probably, it will hit me–and I’ll break down. Hopefully it won’t be in public.

Graduating from high school was a strange experience. The event was overshadowed by my breakup with Joy, which dominated my emotions for a good year. I should have been excited about moving on the next phase in my life, but instead I was all gloomy and sad.

However I knew what I didn’t want to do. I didn’t want to go to college. I was perfectly happy working at the pizza joint, surfing with my friends, and partying. I had no plans for the future and didn’t care. Eventually my friends all disappeared and I got restless. I joined the Navy.

Getting out of the Navy was emotional overload. This was by far the most traumatic experience of my life. I have never felt so trapped in life (except maybe the last year or so of my relationship with Cindy). When I finally got out of the Navy in January 1995 I was already in school. I had a plan, I was doing what I was wanting to do for several years–get an education. It was a rapid transition from living in Hell to being in Heaven. I was so busy with college and waiting tables and a new girlfriend and rushing a fraternity and a new social life and tons of new friends–I didn’t have time to be all philosophical or introspective about the new chapter in the book of Tom Bissell.

Now I’m done with college. I want so badly to get to work. I don’t want to be stuck with a crappy job and no money for the rest of my life. I’d like to retire one day in comfort, and spend time with my friends. I’m very envious of my father–he regularly spends time with his brother and best friends. They take trips to Colorado and Hawaii and South Lake Tahoe and Yosemite all the time. My father has enough power and money to do whatever he wants, whenever he wants. I want this. So I need to get to work.

I want this railroad job, but there’s been a slight setback. They extended the application period until September. That means that they accept applications up until the cut off date. Then they process the apps, and start calling people. So I won’t possibly get a call until late September or early October.

That’s a long ways away. So I have to find something to do between now and then. This downtime is going to kill me. I want to get to work NOW. I’m tired of being a poor college student.

I want my new identity. However, there is a problem with this as well (like everything in my life, right?). I’m torn between my two personalities. I’m torn between NorCal and SoCal. I’m torn between Tom Bissell the beach bum and Tom Bissell the trout bum. I don’t know what to do.

Compounding the problem is the situation with the railroad. They are hiring ALL over California. Long Beach, Los Angeles, San Diego, Roseville, Portola, Dunsmuir, San Luis Obispo. And nearby locations of Las Vegas(!!!), Reno, and Yuma. If they called me once before, they’ll call me again, right? So now I need to decide where I most want to work.

Well fuck it. I’m sure I’ll work things out. Right now, it’s party time. I know I’ll get by, somehow. I always do.